The Mask

The following is something I wrote while deeply depressed and in no way gives any indication as to my current mental state! Please proceed with caution as it may contain triggers!

TRIGGER WARNING

What people don’t understand is that I’m hiding it and that it’s easy to hide it; all you have to do is put on the mask. It is at times so easy to hide the depression, it’s so easy to hide the mania, it’s so easy to hide the suicidal ideation. It’s easy to wear the mask because it’s easier than talking about it. Wearing a mask and hiding it all is easier than the ugly truth: I want to die. Wearing the mask is easier than admitting to the things you have done while manic. Wearing a mask covers it up, it covers up the pain, it gives you normality if even only for a minute.

Tonight, as I sit talking to friends and family, I fake it. I tell them what they want to hear. I send texts saying, “I can’t wait to see you,” while I’m wondering if I will ever see them again. I send texts saying, “I miss you” and I wonder if they will miss me.

The danger comes when the mask comes off; in those private moments, alone, at home. When we aren’t faking it for the rest of the world we are left with only ourselves and our demons. In these moments sometimes our demons can become too much to bear.

Tonight, I sit and I let every emotion I have been having pour over me. I am angry, so I scream. I am sad, so I cry. I am happy, so I laugh. I am manic, so I dance.

An Open Letter to the Two Women Who Saved Me…

Dear old friends,

You probably don’t want to hear from me because I know you’re doing fine without me and your life is probably simpler without me in it, but I needed to write you this letter.

This letter is more of a thank you note than a letter, so…

Thank you for being there as I attempted to take my own life, for watching over me as I battle the symptoms of my overdose. Thank you for telling my mom the next day and pleading with her to get me help.

You saved me.

You have given me so many things I cannot list them all here, but I will list a few because I want you to know just how many things you have given me.

You have given me the opportunity to stand up with my best friend as she gets married to the man of her dreams and to be a godmother to her future children. You have given me the opportunity to see my brother graduate high school and start a new chapter in his life in college. You have given me the opportunity to be there for my little sister when she goes through her first heartbreak and to watch her senior dance recital. You have given me the chance to watch as my dad got a promotion to the job he has been wanting for the last 10 years. You have given me the opportunity to follow in my mother’s footsteps to becoming a nurse. You have given me the opportunity to maybe get married one day and to have children.

And you have given me the opportunity to laugh, to love, to cry, to hope, to dream, and to LIVE.

Thank you.

But most importantly I need to thank you for saving my family and dear friends. You saved them from something I forgot to account for, the loss and pain that follows the suicide of a loved one.

And there was another thing I didn’t account for, the loss of your friendship as you found it difficult to stand by as someone you loved, I, self-destructed. I will forever regret losing you as friends, but I will always carry you with me as I live the life you gifted me with.

I love you, I miss you, I wish you were here.

With love,

Your Grateful Friend