Breaking the Rules

One of the many common symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and the mania that comes with it is regret. Mania has a way of making you feel invincible, it has a way of lowering inhibitions and making decisions for you. Many times regret follows these manic times because the experiences you have while manic stray from the person you are while stable. I wasn’t diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until the age of 19, but I had been showing symptoms of the disorder for about a year or two maybe more before my diagnosis. However, at 19 is when it peeked. This is when I attempted suicide and also when I began to become unrecognizable to family and friends as I began to engage in destructive behavior uncharacteristic of my previous self. Remembering my past is at times difficult for me. As look back on the times I broke the strict rules I had for myself and became someone I wasn’t I get a pit in my stomach; I become nauseous at the reality that at one point in my life I did these things and became that person. However they say that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, so it’s not that I want to forget my past, it’s that I need to learn to embrace my mistakes and short coming and turn it into something constructive. Breaking the “rules” is something that has been frowned upon since we were little. In school we were taught to listen to the teacher, raise our hand to be called on, and to use our words. So, it’s only natural that breaking the “rules” or expectations we have for ourselves would be disturbing to our character, but what I have learned is that breaking the rules teaches us about who we want to be. We learn more about ourselves when we make mistakes than when we live a perfect life. And for the record no one lives a perfect life. 

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